Day 87

I was reminded of a couple of things about myself during my trip back to the United States. The first thing I learned (or perhaps I knew but took for granted and forgot) was that I am happy. I learned at a young age (probably 20) that happiness comes from within. It is NOT a man’s job to ensure my happiness, and it isn’t the job of friends or even a fulfilling career. It is the internal perspective that drives your happiness. My location is not a reason to be happy/unhappy. I am happy here in Mazatlán. I was happy in the United States. I am happy wherever I am because I take myself with me wherever I go, and I am comfortable in my own skin. This is not to say that there is an energy within us that aligns (or not) with our environment. And if ignored can be awful for humans. I believe that my husband cannot live in an environment that is cloudy, cold and very little sun. He would fall into a depression. Iceland is cold, rainy, windy and cloudy A LOT. My soul on the other hand, thrived there. 

I was worried that Mexico was too hot and not being exposed to the change of seasons and no snow would do me in…but it has not. It is the end of April here and the locals say the summer here is brutal. That might be true, and it is beginning to feel very warm, but the Sea of Cortés is less than a 15-minute walk so how could it be that bad, I ask? I guess I will figure that out as the summer progresses. My point is that I am comfortable here. I am comfortable there. I absolutely loved Iceland, but I live here now, happily.

The other thing was that I have always known I am one of those ‘emotional’ human beings. I love loyally, I empathize deeply, I am a fierce protector, and I care about others faithfully. Our move to Mazatlán was born from emotional and financial devastation.  When we came here in December 2024 for a week to look at schools, apartments and communities, I was a crying mess. I could not eat, drink or sleep without crying. I cried on the street, I cried in restaurants, and I tried desperately to be drunk most of the week we were here. My body did not cooperate at all. I couldn’t get drunk; I couldn’t enjoy a meal, and I couldn’t look forward. I say all this because I was processing grief. I was actively mourning everything we lost.  I rebounded. I came out the other side and life moved on.

Fast forward to today. We are still dealing with business bankruptcy and personal bankruptcy. We still don’t know the extent of loss yet. I am ok. Ready to take on the world with a new level of determination. I have a retirement to plan for. I have dreams not fulfilled. This period of time will end, and I am completely focused on looking forward. I worked through all the pain. I was reminded of how well I process internal challenges. I knew that this period we were going through would make me stronger, but I didn’t count on this period making me prouder of who I am.