Day 35

Our personal and business bankruptcies gave me the opportunity to self-flog. Not only did I weep and mourn the loss of everything I knew. I found a way to internally self-flog. Blame myself for failing. Punish myself for the shame associated with complete failure. Turns out my father and his wife didn’t have to hang us in the center square for all to take hits, I was doing in on my own.

I realized I was doing this not from the thoughts I had, but because it took me 3 weeks to touch the Sea of Cortes. The beach is my soul’s haven. It always has been, and I suppose if I deny myself a little haven, then I was adequately punishing myself.

I went to the beach twice in 35 days. I swam in the ocean; I felt the salt air on my face. I watched the waves hit the beach with force (some of the waves were 12’ high). I felt the warm sun on my face. I let myself feel human. I didn’t realize that I was punishing myself by not allowing a visit until I actually went. It was like I was finally able to breathe. I was finally able to let in the peace that was all around me. I found silence in the sounds of the ocean.

This helped me embrace Mazatlán a bit more. It helped me connect with my surroundings instead of just exist in it. This is a journey for sure. Now I just need to break the language barrier, and it might feel a little more like I belong instead of American running away from the United States.

To be clear there has not been one person here that has made me feel like an escaping immigrant. The Mexican culture is loving and welcoming, non-judgmental. It is me that feels like I just don’t quite fit in. On the beach, I am just at peace.